Fear
Welcome to ATTUNEMENT, my monthly blog!
Each month we "tune into" a theme related to mindfulness,
and I share a creative mindfulness practice and tune based on this theme.
This month of September we’re TUNING INTO the frequency of:
Fear.
Next week I embark on a new part-time job doing something I love (making music), for a population I’m honored to serve (individuals undergoing cancer treatment).
Earlier this week I was at New Associate Orientation for the position and was handed my photo ID badge. When I looked at it, I had a flashback to my freshman orientation at Miami University when I received my student photo ID.
My stomach immediately started twisting itself into knots (which is exactly what it did that day at Miami), and I thought to myself (as I did that day at freshman orientation), “I’m scared.”
But then I remembered a book I read a couple months ago by Tara Mohr, called Playing Big. In it she explains that in Biblical Hebrew there is more than one word for Fear.
One type of fear is called pachad, which Mohr describes as:
“Projected or imagined fear… overreactive, irrational, lizard brain fear: the fear of horrible rejection that will destroy us or the fear that we will simply combust if we step out of our comfort zones.”
I certainly experienced pachad as a new college freshman; I was terrified I wouldn’t find any of my classes, wouldn’t pass my exams, and wouldn’t make any friends. And this past week as I’ve been preparing for Day 1 at my new gig, I’ve caught myself fearing that no one will enjoy my singing and that I’m not a good enough guitarist to be successful in the position. Pachad, loud and clear.
But there’s also another kind of Fear: yirah.
According to Tara Mohr,
Yirah is “the fear that overcomes us when we suddenly find ourselves…inhabiting a larger space than we are used to inhabiting.”
Miami University (even though it was situated in a fairly small college town) was absolutely a larger space than I had ever inhabited before, because it was the beginning of my adult life. And yes, it felt scary, but perhaps I felt butterflies inside me because the caterpillars were transforming themselves. I was experiencing the feeling of wide-open possibility, which was only scary because it was unfamiliar to me.
You might also experience yirah, Mohr writes, “if you’ve felt a calling in your heart, or uncovered an authentic dream for your life, or felt a mysterious sense of inner inspiration around a project or idea.”
Image by Chris Keates
My decision almost 2 years ago to step back from practicing therapy, start my own creative mindfulness business, and dedicate more time to writing and performing music, was an experience of yirah, although initially it was laden with pachad. I constantly judged myself and worried that I’d never amount to anything professionally ever again!
Over time the pachad has waned, and when it rears its head (like it did earlier this week at New Associate Orientation) I try to remind myself (my therapist, hubby, and friends also remind me!) that I’m taking steps in the direction of what I feel authentically called to do. This process is a brave, vulnerable journey that can sometimes feel really scary.
Cultivating more mindfulness in my life has helped me slow down so I can better discern the type of fear I’m experiencing and then more skillfully respond to the situation at hand.
Practicing mindfulness has helped me better tolerate the emotional distress of pachad-type fear and has helped me lean into the sacred vulnerability of yirah-type fear.
Remember, mindfulness practice doesn’t have to just consist of formal seated meditation (although experimenting with that can be very helpful for your wellbeing).
Any time you tune into an aspect of your present-moment experience with non-judgmental awareness you are being mindful! That aspect could be your breath, your thoughts, the sounds you hear, the sensation of your feet touching the ground when walking–anything!
Image by Daisy Zimmer
I have found that the more I tune into my internal world and external surroundings with mindful awareness, the more gratitude I’m apt to experience, and the less pachad I’m apt to feel.
This mindful awareness has allowed me to listen to my heart’s calling and to do AWE-some things like play healing, supportive, joyful, moving music for others going through difficult times.
What can mindful awareness do for you?!
Creative Mindfulness Practices: Journaling and Movement
Grab a journal and draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side, write words and draw images associated with the current pachad-type fears (imagined outcomes that feel threatening/scary) in your life, and on the other side, write/draw about the yirah-type fears you’re experiencing (i.e. feeling nervous about taking a creative leap, trusting yourself to embark on a new chapter in your life, etc).*
Play this month’s tune (see below) and move intuitively to the music, listening mindfully to the lyrics. You can wear headphones or blast the song from a speaker (if the conditions allow, obviously!). Notice if you feel silly doing this, and see if you can practice non-judgmental awareness instead of judging yourself for judging yourself!.*
Image by Daisy Zimmer
*Remember, these are creative self-expressive/self-reflective practices, NOT therapy, so if you’re getting triggered make sure to stop and seek out professional support like a counselor.
This Month’s Tune:
Each month I share a tune that resonates with the newsletter theme. For this month’s theme of Fear I’ve chosen “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” by Sarah McLachlan. Here are some of the lyrics:
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath
And if I shed a tear, I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage, I won't deny it
I won't fear love
